Today’s Faith Workout was written by Kelly Barcol, our Chaplain Role Champion, Owner of CrossFit Winnersville, and Lead Pastor at Winnersville Community Center. Get ready for some endurance work! Today’s message is a little longer.
THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT’S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.
IN order to say in Love, you have to make love… a verb!!
Let’s remember who invented sex. It was God’s idea, He created it. If He created it, we can talk about it in church. Why did God make sex?
- For Unity. It’s a bond between husband and wife. Five times in the Bible it says, “They were of one flesh… you will become one flesh.” The first purpose of sex is not to produce children; it is to produce unity between the husband and the wife. . .
- For Pleasure. God says, I created it for your enjoyment, If your married, have fun with sex. If it doesn’t feel good or you don’t want to have sex because it’s not enjoyable, then you need to talk to each other. You need a heart to heart. If it’s not enjoyable, something is wrong physically or emotionally . . .
- For Children. “Have many children and grow in number.” Genesis 1:28 (NCV) That’s the only command that man has not had a problem trying to keep.
The sad thing for most couples, there is no unity, no harmony, no pleasure. Instead there is anger, frustration, hurt, and misunderstanding. What do you do? The Bible says there are three keys to enjoyment. And the Bible is a little more reliable than Dr. Ruth.
1. THE RIGHT ATTITUDE
More problems are caused by the wrong attitudes regarding sexual relationships than anything else. Your attitudes control your action. Unfortunately, it is very easy to pick up wrong attitudes about sex. You picked them up in school, in the media, from your parents, bad experiences, trauma. But these wrong attitudes affect your actions.
Paul said to Timothy, “For everything God created is good and nothing is to be rejected, but all is to be received with a prayer of thanks.” I Timothy 4:4 (GN)
The right attitude to begin with is “thank God for sex”. God made you with a desire for a sexual relationship. It’s part of who you are, part of your identity. Accept it without guilt or shame. Sexual relationship, in marriage, is not a sin.
The Bible says that God wants you, if you’re married, to enjoy your mate. “Be happy, yes, rejoice in your wife. Let her tender embrace satisfy you. Let her love alone fill you with delight.” Proverbs 5:18-19 (LB) The Bible is very explicit about sex. And the Bible says you’re to enjoy each other. Circle “delight”. That is one of the strongest words in Hebrew. Other translations of this word: “be consumed, captivated, intoxicated, be ravished, be transported by her love.” It is God’s will that your sexual relationship in marriage is a mutual, satisfying and exciting relationship.
The Bible teaches that sex, when properly used in marriage, glorifies God. “So use every part of your body to give glory back to God…” I Corinthians 6:20 (LB) Circle “every part”. What is the context here? Paul is talking about sex. He says you can use every part of your body to glorify God. When God made you, He didn’t make some parts of your body good and some parts of your body bad — It’s all good.
After you’ve got the right attitude then you’ve got to work on…
2. THE RIGHT ATMOSPHERE
“You have made me eager for love.” Song of Solomon 6:12 (GN) Circle “eager”. You need to realize that atmosphere is much more important to women than it is to men. Men are notorious for being unconcerned and underestimating the value of atmosphere. They can be totally unaware of it. It doesn’t matter to them.
For men the act of sex itself is the climax. However for women the affection that goes on before sex a lot of time is the climax. Atmosphere makes a big difference to them. In case some of you husbands are a little dense, here’s a checklist of environmental concerns for you. Any or all of these may apply or you can ask your wife for a personalized list:
-The curtain is not shut tight enough, -the door is not strong enough, -the light is too bright, -the light is too dark (buy a dimmer), -it’s too hot, it’s too cold, -you need to shave, -you need a shower, -you need to brush your teeth, -the kids are still up…
You need to be concerned about the atmosphere. It makes a difference. Men, you also need to realize that your wife needs time to prepare herself emotionally. Men and women are simply wired differently. When it comes to sex, men are like a light switch — they turn on very quickly. Women are more like an iron — it takes time to warm up. Or you might say men are microwaves and women are crock pots. It takes time.
The affection is the atmosphere. Sex is the event. Atmosphere you need all day — the moments of soft touches and kindness, the texting on the phone, the notes, the flowers, the pat on the back, the kiss good bye, the helping with the responsibilities, the sharing of life — building a warm atmosphere of affection is the best way to the main event.
3. MAKE THE RIGHT ADJUSTMENTS
“A man should fulfill his duty as a husband and a woman should fulfill her duty as a wife. And each should satisfy the other’s needs. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone, but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body doesn’t belong to him alone, but also to his wife. I Corinthians 7:3-4 (GN/NIV)
The Bible says you are to use your body to meet the sexual needs of your spouse. A big mistake that is made going into marriage about sex is, we think we’ll just do what comes naturally. Dr. Ed Wheat said, “If you do what comes naturally in your sexual relationship, most of the time you’ll be 100% wrong.” When it come to your sexual relations there are some adjustments you are going to have to intentionally make.
If you’re going to adjust, you must talk about it. You must talk about your sexual relationship. You must be open and honest and discuss freely. . . Everybody in the world is talking about sex except married couples. You need to discuss your frustrations and talk openly about your needs and what you like and what you don’t like and what best helps you and what best helps your spouse. You’ve got to be willing to learn, to experiment, to be coached by your spouse.
“Do not cheat each other of normal sexual relations unless you both decide to abstain temporarily to make special time for prayer. But afterwards you should resume relations as before or you will expose yourselves to the obvious temptations of Satan.”
I Corinthians 7:7 (Phillips)
Many couples fall into the trap of hurting each other or manipulating each other by withholding sexual relations. The Bible says, Don’t do it! Sex is not to be used as a weapon or a club. It’s not to be used as a reward.
He’s making this very clear. Withholding sex from your mate just because you don’t need it, is not right. You say, “I don’t feel like it.” Then find out why you don’t feel like it and take the appropriate action. It may be a biological problem, may be an emotional problem, may be a technique problem,. It may be you need to put more time in your schedule.
You need to have a balanced sex diet. There are times when you and your spouse need a snack. There are times when you need a dinner. There are times when you need a buffet. A snack maybe is five minutes. A dinner may be ten to twenty minutes. A buffet is anything over a half an hour. Men, here is the women’s translation of a famous scripture – “Woman shall not live by snacks alone”. Men, if you are feeding your wife and keeping her on a diet of snacks, you are emotionally and physically and spiritually causing her to be malnourished. No woman can respond to her husband the way God wants her to respond to her husband if you’re just keeping her on a diet of snacks. You need to make time. You need a balanced diet. There’s a place for all three.
If you have discovered, with kids in the home, it’s almost impossible to have a buffet at home. I would suggest that you budget in your schedule and in your finances some time for some motels or at the least someone to take the kids on a fun day trip. Consider it an investment in your marriage.
Ladies, when you go on a diet, how often are you hungry? How often do you think about food? You have just a glimpse of what your husband’s hormones do to him when you have him on a non-spiritual fast from sex.
Why are we talking about this in church and Faith RXd events? It’s the place we ought to be talking about it. The whole world is saying the wrong thing about it. This is an important area of your life you can’t ignore.
You cannot be all that God wants you to be as a wife or as a husband and your marriage cannot be all that God wants it to be unless you talk about your sexual relationship. Sexual problems don’t go away. They’ve got to be dealt with. They don’t resolve on their own. There is plenty of help and information.
What are some differences from what the world says about sex and what God says? What are some consequences of using the gift of sex outside of Gods plan? How can you honor God from this day forward with the one and only body God has given you?
Have an open and honest talk with your spouse or significant other about…